Divorce and Remarriage

 I think something that we fail to realize is that not all divorces are due to the facts that people don't want to try and make it work anymore. I think it is also important to recognize those instances where people have gotten a divorce due to abuse of any form. I can't imagine the courage that it would take to get a divorce under those sort of circumstances. I think that it would be very challenging to do that.

Remarriage can lead to many complications especially when there are children involved. It will be very hard for the person who was divorced to try and even date people at all because they have to balance work, their children and family. I think that many people struggle with this as well because they don't always think about what would be best for their children and instead think about what is what they want. I think that although it is a hard decision to make I think that if we want to make a marriage work with someone we can make it work if we have the desire to do such. I think that with the help of the Lord we are able to receive specific promptings of what we can do to to strengthen those relationships. I am grateful for my own parents who have been such an example to me in my life on marriage and working together in unity.

Parenting

Something that I have been thinking about a lot this past week after our discussions was about why it is a good thing that there are young parents verses being raised by your grandparents. With younger parents they have more energy first of all which is a good thing for both the parents and the children. Although they may not have as many life experiences as an adult this is a great opportunity for them to learn and strengthen their own marriage. There a lot of benefits for the parents because they are able to learn as they go and become better parents with time, patience, and practice.

Thinking to my own parents they were both very young to be parents. My mother was 20 almost 21 when she had her first child and my dad was about 23. I can't even imagine being that young as a parent! But everyday I am grateful that they were young parents because they were able to be very involved in my life, which has made a huge difference in my life.

Fatherhood Involvement

This week was particularly interesting to be able to think about the importance of fatherhood involvement in children's lives. Many people in society try to put down father's by degrading them and making them seem of little to none importance in society. In many different studies that have been done we are able too see how father's are very valuable not only in society but likewise in the home. Fatherhood involvement can make a life changing impact in the lives of the children. I know that for me personally I have been very blessed to have been raised by a father who has been very involved in my life. He made me a priority in his life, which has made me feel his love for me more as his daughter. I think that throughout the years his involvement in my life has helped me to have greater respect for my father because I know that he genuinely care about him. 

There is a talk that was given by Elder Perry, which I have really appreciated that shows how in society many are trying to make fatherhood not seem like an important part of society. 

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/fatherhood-an-eternal-calling?lang=eng

It is amazing to see how society wants to get rid of the importance of father's. I am grateful for my father and all of the different events that he attended in my behalf to support me. I think that is something that I will always be grateful that he did for me. It is interesting to see how families who have both the wife and the husband working tend to have less money than they would if they would have had just the father working. This occurs because they feel that they can afford things more easily because they have two incomes, which is not always the case. I think this is something important to consider because we can really put ourselves into a bind even if we aren't careful. 

Communication

It amazing how hard it can be to communicate in a world where we have so much technology and opportunities to use for communication. Something that I began to realize this past week is how hard it can be for a technological society to communicate. In class we discussed how texting can be a huge problem in terms of communication because we can only read the words that a person writes, while in communication face-to-face we can listen to the persons tone and also the non-verbal cues. This can make communication very challenging especially in a society where texting is where most conversations seem to take place. Every person has a different way of expressing themselves and the way that they choose to communicate. I think that a lot of times in relationships there are struggles within the relationship because one person expects the other person to change the way that they communicate. It is important to note those differences and to learn to work around them so that they can work in greater unity together despite their differences. 

I think that one of the great gift of life that sometime we don't look at as a gift is conflict. Conflict can help to provide better understanding and help us to create stronger bonds to our spouse or family. If we decide to let conflict be a positive in our life it will become a positive thing and try to learn from these different experiences. It really is up to us in the end whether we will take what we have learned and use it in a good way or turn it into a negative experience. I am grateful for different conflicts in my life because they have helped to strengthen different relationships in my life and I am better able to appreciate those relationships with those people now. 

I had an experience with a person that I was having a hard time with and one day the problem between the two of us was very clear to see. With this conflict we were able to talk about the issue and see what we could do to help the situation to make it more enjoyable for the both of us. At times we will have to compromise our own wants to maintain the happiness of another person. A lot of times I have come to see that the compromise that I thought was a huge compromise for me ended up being a bigger blessing and helped me to grow personally. From these instances we can learn and see how it has blessed our lives to realize that it was worth it in the end. 

Coping with stress as a family

This past week I have been thinking a lot about some of the different tragedies that families have to face. Some include financial struggles, loss of a loved one such as a grandparent or a child, moving to a new place, the birth of a child and so on. All of these things can be both a blessing and a struggle for a family unit. It was interesting to be learning about the different crises that families face because one of the most challenging one for people to overcome is the death of a child because those tend to be the most unexpected. I have been thinking about that a lot this past week and how I would feel if I lost a child. I know that it would be difficult to comprehend because as humans we expect that our parents and grandparents will die before we will, but that is not always the case.

Yesterday would have marked the 22nd birthday of one of my closest friends named Rachel. She passed away unexpectedly in a car accident that took her life away. I have been thinking a lot about how here family must have felt and still feels to this day even though it has been almost four years since she passed away. Thinking about all of the opportunities that she wasn't able to experience must be devastating for her parents to think about knowing this accident could have been prevented if they didn't allow her to go with her friends on that road trip. Looking at these types of situations there are always the what if's as there are to everything. There will always be i'm sure as in most tragedies be the thoughts in our minds "what would have happened if we did such and such instead". Something that I am realizing that no matter how much we try to see what "could have happened" in the end God's will, will be done. Life doesn't go as planned and in this moments of stress is when we can not only draw closer to our families, but also to our Savior Jesus Christ.

I was thinking also about that same year when my best friend passed away a few months previously my grandma Carter passed away very unexpectedly in a car accident as well. I remember when it happened and looking at my dad who look so sad although he never would admit to it. His eyes seemed heavy as I could see that he was realizing that he no longer had either of his parents alive anymore. The day before he was asked to give my grandma a blessing but he wasn't feeling well, so my uncle went and had someone else join him to give grandma the blessing. The next day when she was driving to church she passed out as she was driving and hit the light pole over in front of our church building. It was kind of funny because as someone was saying the closing prayer in sacrament meeting and said amen all of the lights in the building went out. Later we came to find out why the lights went out and that it was caused by grandma. I remember going to the hospital after she died and looking at her with a tube stuck down her throat. That wasn't the grandma Carter that I remembered. It wasn't the funny, witty and smart grandma that I knew and it made me so sad to see her in that condition. Something that I will be forever grateful for was I believe the next day or so my dad took me out to dinner personally and we talked about the death of my grandma and it gave me comfort that it was okay to feel sad and that I wasn't alone. Although we all may face crises in our life we have the choice to determine whether these crises will bring us together closer as families or if they will create distance between the families.

Intimacy and Fidelity

This past week has been very opening to me and has helped me to see what I want to do in order to have complete fidelity between me and my future spouse. The main theme that kept hitting home for me was the fact that we need to establish very clear boundaries. If we have these boundaries we will be more aware of when we have stepped outside the boundaries and when we need to correct ourselves. I have been thinking a lot this week how our thoughts are so powerful and if we allow Satan into our minds and hearts he will try to slowly but surely lead us down the path of infidelity, which is a devastating path to follow.

In order for me to prepare myself better for marriage something that I decided to do to make sure that my mind stays focused and doesn't get bogged up with the things of the world was to delete specific apps on my phone to insure that I have things that will uplifts my thoughts and help me to be sure that I am doing things of value instead of wasting my time looking at my Facebook newsfeed. It was very liberating deleting some of those apps because I think that it is going to help me to focus more on the Lord, the person that I am dating and my school work. I am excited to see how it is going to help me because I think that it will end up being a blessing for me in the long run. I notice that it is so easy to get distracted with what other people are doing and compare yourself and your relationships. That is what Satan wants to happen, but God wants us to be ourselves and live life joyous and fully. I think this will help me to more capable of having joy because I will be genuinely happy with who I am and not worry about what others are doing.

Another thing this week that struck me was an article that we read on sex education in New York and how graphic it seemed to be. It terrified me honestly to think that some children are receiving such knowledge at school because that it something that I want to teach my future children in a very loving and sacred manner. There is a wonderful tool that the church has written to help parents educate their children, so they won't have to worry as much when their children hear different things at school.

https://www.lds.org/manual/a-parents-guide?lang=eng

This is a wonderful tool to help us to understand what we can do to help them understand their own sexuality. I want to teach this to my children and I want them to know that I am open and willing to talk to them about this topic, so that if they hear something at school they can know that I care enough to help them understand in a gospel way.

Fidelity is a huge struggle in the times that we live in now. I think one of the big things that she people fail to realize is that the relationships that we have with people of the opposite sex can create the biggest issues of infidelity. That is something that can be so easily avoided if the boundaries are placed first, so that the couple knows that they can't have those relationships with anyones besides their spouse. I think that something I never realized before this week that by talking to other people about your relationship struggles is crossing the boundaries set with your spouse. It makes so much sense because it isn't fair to your spouse that you are sharing your problems with others instead of going up lovingly to your spouse and talking to them about it. This week in class was amazing and I have been able to reevaluate some different things in my own life that I am planning on changing.

Transitions in Marriage

Something that I found interesting in the reading this week was the fact that we need to develop our own systems as families because that will help us when we face different issues in the long run. I think that is definitely something that I have thought of before, but I didn't realize how important it is for us to have our own family goals and way of how things should happen in our family. We all come from very unique family systems and a lot of the things that we do are based off of the system that we were raised in.


I really appreciated this quote at the beginning of the reading assignments for the week.

Elder Russell M. Nelson said, "Meanwhile, mortal misunderstandings can make mischief in marriage. In fact, each marriage starts with two built-in handicaps. It involves two imperfect people. Happiness can come to them only through their earnest effort. Just as harmony comes from an orchestra only when its members make a concentrated effort, so harmony in marriage also requires a concerted effort. That effort will succeed in each partner will minimize personal demands and maximize actions of loving selflessness."  

I think that this quote is something that we all need to remember as we prepare to get married and even when we have been married for years. Each of us are human beings meaning we come with both good and bad qualities that we each need to learn how to better. I think that is one of the coolest things about marriage that we have the ability to grow together and change together. Especially during the transition years such as having children because that is a very growing time in a relationship. As we remain close to the Lord with a desire to change and grow I think that it is possible for anyone to change and to grow closer to their spouse as long as they have that desire. I have seen at least in my own family that it seems like every time there is a new grandchild born into our family we all tend to get closer to one another and I have seen specifically how my parents relationship has been strengthened from those events as well. 

Dating ideas and what is love?

I really enjoyed this past week of class because I am seriously dating someone, so it was interesting to see the different ideas of what love means to each and everyone one of us. Something that I thought was important to remember is that love isn't just a feeling that we have because feelings come and go. Love is much deeper than that. Love makes us want to change and we want to help the person that we love to progress and do all that we can to help them to receive their full potential.

Another thing that I liked that was mentioned about dating was about the talk by Elder Oaks where he talks about being paired off, planned and paid for. I think that these are three important elements in the dating process because they help to create a pattern in the lives of those you date. I also believe that if a couple can do these while they are dating that it will be more natural for them to do it when they are married someday because they have already developed this pattern in their life. It was interesting how dating is such an important aspect of life because it helps to prepare us for marriage and being able to have longer conversations with people. During this week it made me reevaluate myself and I began to think of different things that I can do to help strengthen my relationships with others. I think that something that I am going to try and work on is by letting men take the lead more in dating so that they can be more accountable of planning the dates because I think that will help them in the long run of things.

Gender Roles and Same-Gender Attraction

After this past week of class I can honestly say that I have so much more compassion for those who struggle with same-sex attraction. As I watched the documentary on the men that struggle with same-sex attraction I began to see how real of an issue it is for so many people. It felt so much more real seeing people who have felt with this struggle for most of their lives. Something that really hit me was the fact that the people in the video all didn't want to be attracted to people of their same-sex. They had all gone through very heart-wrenching trials that affected them to be attracted to their same-sex. The people in the video struggled with pornography, sexually abused or substance abuse. These different things caused these people to lose confidence in themselves and they just wanted to receive the love and support from their own gender. The people in the video also kept saying "I don't want to be this way". I honestly didn't think that would be the case for them before the video, but it made sense to me that these men wanted to have a relationship with a woman and have their own family. It tore my heart realizing that they want to have a relationship with a woman, but are struggling because of the issues of the past.

It was interesting this past week because in my Eternal Families class we were also talking about gender this week. In class a guy asked a question about someone that he knew who had both female and male parts, but the parents decided when the child was young to have the child go under surgery and become a male. Now the child is facing problems because it has more female tendencies, which has caused a lot of stress to this boy because he comes from a very strong Christian family. He doesn't want to go against his beliefs but he is struggling fighting the tendencies because he didn't have the choice when he was young to decided whether or not he wanted to be a boy or a girl. After discussing this issue in class I have realized how important it is for parents to let their children have their own agency. They need to decided for themselves who they are and what they believe. As parents we can teach them all that we can, but it is up to the children to decided whether or not they will put what  has been taught to them into practice. Agency is key to our own personal growth because we get to learn from both or good and also poor choices in life. I have a testimony of agency and I know that God gave us our agency so that we could learn and grown from the hard trials of life. I am grateful for a loving Savior who strengthens us and enables us to change if we have the desire to do such.

Family Culture

Something that I never recognized is how each family has their own very distinct family culture. This past week I have been thinking of different specific tradition that my own family has. I began to think of the family road trips, going to the beach all day as a family, spending quality time together, eating family dinner together every night and etc. In each of our families their are traditions that we want to keep and things we would like to change or get rid of in our own future families. I love many things that my family does but there are things here and there that I want to change. I think the biggest thing that I want to change is by making sure that I am a better communicator because I have noticed that in my family we aren't the best at communicating and avoid it, so we can avoid confrontations. Another thing that I want to implement in my own family is by being more open with words of affirmation and showing affection such as hugging. I think that is something that goes hand in hand with communicating and is a piece of communication. It is amazing how cultural traditions remain even when they have no real reason why they are still being kept. For my own family every Christmas we have a scavenger hunt for our biggest present and that has always been a tradition that I have been excited about.

I think something that I forget to think about is the fact that when people move away there are changes that occur on the family dynamics. From the example in class of the family moving from Mexico to California illegally. This is example made my heart ache because I could imagine the struggles that each family member faced and made me want to help out the family. Something interesting to see was how after the family was finally reunited again in California the family dynamic had changed and couldn't be the same as it had been before. I have seen that in my family as well because I have five older siblings who are married and after each of them got married the dynamic of my family has changed drastically. With each marriage of my siblings the dynamic has changed and we have had to readjust and we have had to fill in the roles of those who are married. It will be interesting to see what happens when I get married someday because then all of the children will be away from home and so it will just be my parents. I am excited to see how my family dynamic will change someday yet again and see what roles each of us will start playing in the future.

Theories about the family

It is interesting how you never really fully understand how your family dynamics affect you until you take a moment to step back and see the ways you have been affected. As I was in class this past week I realized some of the different systems between my different family members, which I had never really thought about before. I also have been thinking about the different 'roles' in my family with all of my siblings and it is so true to see how when we all get back together we take on those 'old roles'. For example I am the youngest child in my family, so I have always been known as the baby and as such I have definitely been treated as the baby. When there have been changes in my family such as marriages, deaths and births it has been interesting to see how our family system has sifted and changed in order to fit the updated system. 

Something that changed the way I thought about things was the idea that everything that we do is a symbol of something. I was thinking about different experiences I have had with other people and how I thought that they were upset or angry at me because they would remain silent, but that was just who they were. They weren't upset with me, that is just who they were. I think this concept is helping me to realize that some of the things that I do might come off as a certain way to other people. This can be difficult because these symbols are often misinterpretations of things that are happening. 

I remember a specific experience where I really liked a guy and I was so nervous around him overtime that I was in his presence. I remember after every encounter I always felt like I didn't say the 'right' thing to him and that I came across as a crazy girl that was obsessed with him. When in reality he didn't even have a clue that I was interested in him. It is interesting to see how our perceptions can deceive us to believe in only one possibility. 

I think one of the most challenging parts of family relationships are the misinterpretations that happen on a day to day basis. These misunderstandings can create tension and unneeded stress to the family. This is another thing that really struck me this past week was the fact that conflicts are not generally a bad thing. Conflicts help us to grow closer to our families and we learn better communication skills and more importantly, we learn how to compromise. We have to learn how to outweigh what our wants are and look at what is the best option for everyone even when it is challenging. 

One of life's big decisions

This past week we discussed a big issue that is happening throughout the world where there is a lot of controversy these days; the decision of how many kids to have. The answer to "the right amount" of kids depends on person to person. For one person 1 child is the perfect amount and to another 6 kids is the ideal number for them to have. As we watched a documentary this past week it was interesting to see how cultures and the type of family you grew up in determined how many children that you wanted in your family. For example there was a girl from Switzerland who had only two children in her family, so likewise she believed that two was the perfect amount because that was what she was used to in her family. It is interesting to see how our circumstances in a way determine our thoughts and opinions about the family. I know that for me I am the youngest of six kids so I have always wanted to have a big family because that is what I am used to having in my life. I think that is something that we don't think about too often, that we are affected by how we were raised for both the good and the bad things. 

A quote that I really appreciated in our class this week talked about the decision of having children and how many children you have. President Spencer W. Kimball said, "You did not come on earth just to "eat, drink and be merry." You came knowing full well your responsibilities. You came to get for yourself a mortal body that could become perfected, immortalized, and you understood that you were to act in partnership with God in providing bodies for other spirits equally anxious to come to the earth for righteous purposes. And so you will not postpone parenthood. There will be rationalists who will name to you numerous reasons for postponement. Of course, it will be harder to get your college degrees or your financial start with a family, but strength like yours will be undaunted in the face of difficult obstacles.  

"Have your family as the Lord intended. Of course it is expensive, but you will find a way, and besides, it is often those children who grow up with responsibility and hardships who carry on the world’s work. And, John and Mary, do not limit your family as the world does. I am wondering now where I might have been had my parents decided arbitrarily that one or two children would be enough, or that three or four would be all they could support, or that even five would be the limit; for I was the sixth of eleven children. Don’t think you will love the later ones less or have few material things for them. Perhaps like Jacob, you might love the eleventh one most. Young people, have your family, love them, sacrifice for them, teach them righteousness, and you will be blessed and happy all the days of your eternal lives."

It is difficult to have a family and provide for children, but something that I firmly believe and know to be true is that the Lord will provide a way for us. He will help us along the way if we are supposed to have a lot of children. It won't be the easiest path, but we will receive more joy as we do what the Lord expects of us. He knows the strengths that we have and wants us to use those strengths to help rear children in such a changing world. I am grateful for the family I grew up with because I was able to see the blessings of a larger family. It was difficult at times, but it has been one of the greatest blessing in my life. This decision will not only affect us, but it will also affect generations of people and our future families as well. 

My Purpose

My name is Rebecca Carter and I am going to be writing on this blog for the next couple of months. Currently I am a student at Brigham Young University-Idaho and hoping to pursue a career as a marriage and family counselor. I love to play the guitar, sing and go to the beach. This semester I am taking a class where I have been asked to talk about different topics regarding family relationships. I am excited to write what I learn in my class and share the thoughts and feelings that come to me throughout the semester. I hope that you all will be able to enjoy the journey with me!